Josh gave this photo of himself to me for Christmas.
Ah, a glimpse of my future missionary son.
His Young Men leaders at church helped the boys make this lovely gift. It was accompanied by a semi-serious note (clearly they were painfully forced during class) expressing gratitude for special things like stroganoff-making and my real talent of being generally "all right".
But I don't think the leaders know his smirk like I know his smirk. Note the suppressed smile. The eye glint.
Which made it all the more precious.
What Josh doesn't know is that after it almost made me cry. Because it was so funny and because it is way too close to my heart.
Benson is even older, a junior, and we are talking more and more about college and a mission. It is so right around the corner and I'm getting
panicky concerned flat out flabbergasted about how fast it's coming and how much ground there is to cover between now and then. Our family is on the brink of changing when he leaves. How did this happen so fast? And yet, I think I believed somehow that I would always have my children with me. Or that they'd be easier to let go. (What? I had heard about teenagers.)
Despite all the parent/child struggles, does he truly know how much we love him?
Has he had the very best of me to carry with him as memories of home?
How will he face the harshness of this world without having our home to return to daily for refuge?
How will our family settle with one missing from our table?
And then Josh will be waiting in the wings to fly. And right behind him, the girls.
I feel like I'm looking over the edge of a steep cliff. Benson feels that way, too, from our conversations. I tell him he can do it as I try to convince myself of the same.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." -Henry Ellis