That's Crazy Talk

The little man today. What a gift he is.

 
Tonight as I had my 2 year old tucked under my chin falling asleep I sort of panicked that my days are numbered.  There won't be many more days where I'm needed to chase away monsters.

Who will tell me they are "big hungry"?  Alex is now putting on his own fip focks (flip flops) and calling shotgun on the way out to the car.  We even found him sitting on the roof of the car today.  I wanted to ground him for the rest of his life just to keep him home forever with me.

So I want to have another baby.

I might be insane.  Driven insane by having 6 children?  Perhaps.  But more than likely I have stumbled upon the secret of pioneers and generations ago when having large families was typical.  I realize it's unusual to have large families in our modern society for many good reasons, and I also realize not everyone who wants to have a large family will have that path in this life.  But our ancestors weren't crazy after all for having upwards of 16 children.  My grandma was number 13 in her family of 16 children!!  I figured out the logic behind what seems like the impossible.

Want to know the secret?

No, it's not to work my farm.

It's that everything actually gets easier.  I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not experienced it.  (When my first was born I was hyperventilating at the thought of having any more children ever.)  There is a turning point when you have a few children old enough to actually help care for younger ones and the baby gets swept up into the moving machine of the family.  It's beautiful to watch unfold.  The older kids learn deep love and responsibility, and the baby is adored by many love-givers.  As parents you know more about which things are important and what to let go.  And it's so much fun.

I'm becoming the mom I've always wanted to be.  There's still a lot of room for improvement since I've also become the mom I never intended to be at times.  You know.  Stuff like having a messy house, not fixing my hair some days and dabbing my eyes out of frustration rather than joy.

But I never totally lost myself, although I came very close. I had a preconceived notion that moms of big families lost themselves tragically to the cause, and it has certainly pushed that envelope.  But no, my Emily essence is not lost.   Lost my heart to them... YES.

I just wish I could start over again now that I have grown up a little and learned a few things.  Well, a lot of things actually.  Like helping them develop their agency and realizing how to be effective in my role as a teacher and cheerleader.  Not to mention learning to tune in to the soft soft whisperings of the spirit guiding me.

Having teenagers feels a little bit like when I was having my first newborn and I wasn't sure what was important... so it was ALL important.  I was very aware of my weaknesses and searched everywhere for answers to my baby's needs.  Then I was having babies so fast -they were all so different- and the learning curve was steep.

Guess what?  Steep learning curve again.  With raising teens.  I bet I'll get more of the hang of it by the time Alex comes through, not without some hard experiences.

But the baby part?  Easy peasy.  I miss those days of funny word choices and reading stories and scratching the tiny back of a sleepy child... even though I currently have one that little.  I don't know how I miss it already while I'm doing it, but I do. 

Seriously, I could be a grandma by now if Benson weren't on the right path.  BIG SIGH since he is, but I'm way too young for that to even be a possibility, right? I'm like 26 or something. In my head.

So if I don't have any more babies I can be satisfied that maybe I'll get to grandma one in the next 10 years.  That sounds absolutely crazy.

What the?  (and Alex always answers me with a little helium voice saying "heck", which deserves it's own "what the")

Motherhood and grandmotherhood collision ahead?  Maybe that's part of the dilemma. I'm turning 40 this year and time is running on, so of course I'm thinking about the "end" of my days raising my babies and what that means and how sad that feels.  What does being done feel like?  I don't think you necessarily get that feeling of being done because we are eternal mothers in our ultimate purpose.

It's not an announcement.  Just thinking out loud, really loud.