Grrrr. What's the stage of grief that is anger? Like 3 or 4?I've whipped out Wiki to remind myself of the Kubler-Ross model, commonly known as the 5 stages of grief, for a little exercise.
1. Denial. O.K., so a silly little mole can't possibly cause much harm. I feel fine. This isn't happening again. Plus I was NEVER a sun worshipper (hence my milky white tan).
2. Anger. THERE it is. Oops, I guess it's only the second stage. But that's where I am, A-N-G-R-Y. Because this is the SECOND time I've been diagnosed with malignant melanoma. How did this happen? I am a sunblock poster girl! Genetics, most likely the doc says.
3. Bargaining. I'm not really liking my 95% survival rate. Totally not acceptable. I want 100%! (Interesting to note, melanoma on the foot usually has only a 50% survival rate because it's harder to notice/be diagnosed-- that was my first melanoma, on the sole of my foot! Drumroll..... I didn't die YET, so...... look at me GO-- top 50%!.... yeah me!)
4. Depression. I guess none of us has a 100% survival rate. In fact, I'm pretty sure none of us gets out of this existence alive. What's the point? Go ahead, take all the skin you want. That's just less of it to turn into skin cancer again.
5. Acceptance. There are definitely worse things. Plus I can't stop it; just keep getting checked and treated. I'll call it my new "weight loss treatment" to have bits of me carved away regularly. It's really O.K., and I'm not writing about this to get attention for something easy. Stage 1, non-evasive is hardly life-threatening. (Well, only 5%, right?) No metastasis, and we caught it early again.
It's just that both times the moles looked pretty much normal and were small. Through a series of unusual events the first one was found in 2003 and I hit my all-clear just last year-- meaning my risk went way down of developing another one. I could even donate blood again! Note to self: Don't do a google search on "melanoma stories" or "melanoma photos". You see words like "victim","battle" and "deadly". Just sayin'.
So tomorrow I go in for the "surgery" to scoop out any last evidence. The doc will be aggressive--it's above my knee-- so I think my chances at winning a bathing suit contest are over now. Yep, let your tears flow now for that loss.
I'll bet if I act real nice I can get a sucker when I'm done.
10 comments:
emmy, how do you do it? you even joke when you're angry and scared!actually i was just telling scott tonight that he needs to see the positive side sometimes. jeez,if i dwelled only on my pain and limitations etc... i'd spend all my time crying right? we're all allowed our moments though you deserve to take yours then try to think positively because they've proven it helps you heal. know too that we are all praying for you (betsy specifically told me to tell you so). thanks for letting us know so we can pray we love you brave girl!
p.s. you are one of the most positive people i know. you are always sunshine and laughter and i know that will help you through this. i wish i could be like you when i "grow up"!
Wow! My dad usually gets them on his face and back of his hands. He has had the cancerous parts frozen off and cut off, I believe. I have not been as vigilant as you have been with the sunscreen. I have also not ever had my skin checked, but you are definitely pushing me in that direction. I have a lot of moles and freckles, which I guess doesn't always mean anything, but I am a red-head with fair skin. Great-I guess I better make an appt. Especially with my Dad's past diagnoses'es'es...you get the point. I'm sorry you have to go through that. :( Hope everything turns out great! You do indeed have a fun attitude though. :)
You deserve a lot more than a sucker! Sorry that you have to go through this, but maybe it will encourage the rest of us to see the dermo. a little more often! Thanks for the reminder.
Dear Emily,
Oh wow! I am sorry you have to deal with this. Cancer is scarry but we are so blessed to live at this time when there is so much technology. What can I do for you? I would be happy to help you out. I love you, You are such a wonderful example to all of us. I am so thankful you are in our family!
I'm so sorry Emily. Twice? That sucks! But, thanks for the heads up. I'm not so good at the sunscreen thing but after reading your post, just before I was headed to the river to swim, I smothered myself in the stuff. You are in our prayers. You have a great "survivors" attitude.
yikes. you forgot to tell yourself that you really don't have time for this I guess. :( I'm sorry. Keep us posted! I'll think super positive thoughts for you.
I had no idea. Best of luck with all the upcoming stuff; you certainly deserve a sucker, or two...
Emily if you quit wearing those bikini's and baby oil you wouldn't have this problem! Hope it all went well.
poor emily! i miss you and hope that you're healing up nicely. you rock.
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