To Be Continued....

It's late. But I have to write it out, like therapy. So, this afternoon the adopting family came by to see the baby --unaware that Stefanie is nearly convinced she is keeping the baby. They brought a cute basket of scrapbook supplies, candy, etc. and took a few pictures. Even the adoption agency is unaware of the true situation.

My dad went down and talked with her, and more or less told her that he trusted whichever decision she should choose. My mom has been a sounding board for her but is reluctant to push her any direction. I arrived at about 6:30 pm and she was feeding the baby and not really wanting to talk about anything even close to the topic at hand. It was clear that there was not going to be any paper signing tonight. I showed her the photos I had developed but was careful not to show her the sad ones (see previous post's pics). She loved them and wanted me to print up more so she could give some to the adoptive family (good sign, I thought). I was sent to the store for some makeup she needed and some craft supplies and when I returned it looked like she and my mom were turning in for the night. I was a little disappointed that we hadn't gotten a chance to talk really, but when I pulled out the stuff I'd bought her she perked right up and we started a really good conversation. She wanted to know my opinion, sister to sister, and I felt guided in my comments and when to listen. She pulled out some scrapbook pages she had started making for the baby and we got to work making some beautiful pages, one for the baby and one for her to keep. I had also brought her a heart shaped mold to cast his feet's imprint so we got to work imprinting those little toes. She was high energy suddenly for being up so late! My mom was zonked, so we just worked and talked.... fed the baby, changed him, took more pictures. I'll always remember those sweet hours we had together, just the two of us having sister time in a way that we haven't had since we were kids. I told her that.

"Emily I'm running out of time." This was the statement that made me pause.

After doing everything there was to do with the baby, cleaning up the room, organizing things.... I gave her a little outfit to put him in (since she didn't have any clothes for him).... I tucked her in to bed. I told her that everything was going to work out okay. "Do you promise?" she mumbled. "Miracles will happen tomorrow, Stef." We expressed our love for each other and she told me that she couldn't do this without me, but in the same breath she said, "I don't know how I can do this, give away my baby." I told her that she isn't giving him away, but giving him love and a family. She'll still be his mother, but he'll have two mothers and that just means more people will love him (thanks Kim). I felt inspired to tell her also that her body created something good for this world (as opposed to the toll it's taken with substance abuse), this little spirit has a precious body and that her sacrifices to get him here are not a small thing. She just kept nodding and asking me, "Do you promise it will be OK?"

I asked her when she will need me back in the morning, and she said around 7 or 8 since "everything is going down soon after that since I have to be out by 10". I think that means positive? She says that every time she drifts to sleep she wakes to panicky feelings about doing the adoption.

I rubbed her back while she fell asleep dripping tears. I felt strong tonight while I was with her, and I know that was a tender mercy, a miracle for me. I've been a wreck all day at home, and I even broke down when the wal-mart employee asked me if the pictures I was picking up were my baby. Who does that?! :-)

I'm going to go get 2 hours of sleep before I need to head back to the hospital. Thanks for the prayers. I think they're working.... I'll let you know!

Love to all