Yesterday

Yesterday when I went in to be with Stefanie, I walked in and she said "I woke up throwing up. I can't do this and I think I'm keeping him." Devastation and desperation set in for me, but what do you say? You can't force her to give her baby away. Could I give a baby away?

Long story short, she was being discharged from the hospital at 10 am. Her therapist came to the hospital at 9 am, the one that works with her every day at her rehab and we all had a chance to talk and listen and think. While we were doing this, the pediatrician came in and said that the baby will most likely be in the hospital for another week to be treated while he goes through this withdrawal period. Stefanie jumped all over that and said she wants to wait to make her decision until he is released, giving her time to process with her therapist. In the mean time, she wants to come visit him when she can (probably 3 or 4 times this week, if that-- the rehab is very strict about "field trips") at the nursery and she's giving a wristband to the adoptive family so they can visit him, too. (good sign?)

I think if I were her I might want more than 2 days to process the decision too. Although as I've reminded her already: she's already made this decision. At first I was frustrated that she was dragging it out, but honestly I think if she had to make the decision yesterday her decision would have been to keep the baby. If this helps her do the adoption, then so be it.

She wrapped him up, separated the things that are to go with him to the family, and really didn't see her leaving as a dramatic goodbye. Maybe doing this gradually is good. Maybe his longer stay in the hospital is one of those backwards miracles, but a tender mercy nonetheless.

I've felt many tender mercies through this process. So many of my perspectives have changed: about Stefanie and her strength, how strong that bond of motherhood is, how the Savior looks at each of us, about agency, about the innocence of new little spirits and what a child deserves, and how we receive answers to prayers.

Stefanie had a sort of epiphany Friday night while I was with her and recalled it again yesterday morning. "I think I just realized that part of my trial in all of this is to see if I can follow through and let him go. I don't deserve to be a mother right now, and this family does-- they've done all the right things to prepare a place for him and I haven't." But then she can quickly argue that she could be a good mom, too. I agree, but be a mom again when she's healthy, married, and recovered. Her time is not up.

So many other comments were made-- for both sides that made sense. I've been given strength when I'm with her that I didn't know that I had. Heavenly Father is so aware of her right now and I know he will give her the clarity that she is searching for. I'm trying not to have expectations of what is "right" and leave it in God's hands... it isn't my decision to make, but it is within my ability to love Stefanie and to support her in doing the right thing.

The last three days have felt like an eternity. Another week? One thing: I've felt almost guilty that as I'm telling her to give her child a chance to have have everything with this other family I come home to my baby and other children and can't imagine my life without them. The Lord's plan of happiness is so true and choosing otherwise can bring so much sorrow. But the Lord still has a plan for all of our choices and He creates good out of everything. This little one is so beautiful and is bringing joy with him, too.